Annie D Stratton on Letters from an American

[Annie D Stratton]

I agree with you in one sense, Rob, but with a large caveat: research with women having difficulty leaving abusive relationships assumed at first that the women went into the relationship already damaged, with personality disorders of their own. But as researcher dug deeper, they found that most women had been psychologically healthy prior to the relationship. Their relationships did not start out abusive, and often seemed healthy in the beginning. Once the abuse began, often low-level and verbal, the woman tried to explain it away, and accepted excuses made by her partner. The escalation continued until she doubted her own ability to tell what was true.

We have a word for that: gaslighting. And we know what the outcomes often are. But women who manage to escape the relationship and get counseling regain their sense of self and ability to form healthy relationships. (I hasten to add that this works when a man is the target and a woman the abuser, and in same-sex relationships as well).

We can think of this as a cult of two. Expand that number, and the same kind of dynamics are at work. Add an individual with money and some form of power (religion, corporate cult, political position, successful entertainer) and what you can end up with is a mixed group of people who have set aside their ability to reason, reinforced by being part of a group doing the same thing and by a leader who uses his/her power and control of the misperceptions and disinformation for his/her own aggrandizement. The group seems to take on the characteristics of the leader.

But they did not all begin that way. They began, perhaps, with simply the need to belong, as we all have the need to love and be loved. It is possible, in this kind of situation, as in a relationship, for a rational person to act in irrational ways that are not in their best interests. Interrupt that process in some way, and many of those people will begin to see how they have been used and seek to distance themselves.

In personal relationships, this sometimes becomes the danger point in terms of violence, as the controlling partner begins to perceive power slipping away, but relationships vary in how they resolve. How it plays out in a cult of many people is going to vary, too. Some are slipping away, some are fighting back, some are in a form of shock, some are in denial even when the truth is demonstrated over and over. I think we're seeing all of these. Trumpists are not a monolith. And as each kind of follower comes to some sort of recognition, the fabric of the cult frays and begins to come apart. I think that is where it is at now. Yes, some will cling to their illusions of power until that power disintegrates. Others will wonder what in the world they were thinking of.

I do not think that there is a direct one-on-one correlation between people who get caught up in cult-like thinking and behavior, and people who are born with a disorder like NPD or BPD. Just as the researcher found that most women in abusive relationships had been healthy prior to the abuse and could recover, I think the same possibility exists for at least some people in cults. I think we need to allow for that potential, because those are the people who can help heal the damage.

[Tricia]

・The Sociopath Next Door | Stout

・Without Conscience | Hale

・Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men | Bancroft

・The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump | Lee

These are 4 great reads in understanding the brain functions of person's like Donald Trump. You bring up a great deal of good points, Annie, and make it understandable to a layman. So thank you for that. I'll add that oftentimes people do not understand when they are in the presence of a malignant narcissistic because of their magnetic charm and slow burn. I was married to one for nearly 25 years. It is the frog in the boiling water concept. Everything is slow and steady and insidious by these types and until you yourself realize you are not well and no longer safe in their presence. You are in the middle of something that you can not escape. If they catch on that you have figured them out and can see who they are behind the mask (or they let the mask fall away more and more as they often do) then it gets really crazy. It takes a great deal of strength and courage and help to: 1) get out and away from such a person, and 2) rebuild from the destruction.

Lee's book above outlines the white collar type folks in our societies, Trump being one of them, and how we as a nation can stop these people in more effective ways so they cease to have so much control over us. Bandcroft's book is just a must read as it digs deep into the mind of the narcissist and the misconceptions that people who fall for these types may be weak or ill themselves.

[Matthew Goulet MD]

What a great point, and I can clearly see the pattern here. One personal sticking point here that I see, to help and abused individual leave a relationship, they have to do it for themselves. There is no rescue, so the idea is to support the individual, support their self esteem, help them develop strength to leave on their own free will. But them problem gets compounded when the abused gets pulled into the abusers pattern of abuse, and begins to work with the abuser, carrying out similar patterns of abuse on other (family/group) members. At this point I feel like many of the GOP members of congress have done just that. I will have difficulty feeling I can let any of them off the hook, let alone the ring leaders of the Sedition Caucus.

[Chris (MN by way of WI)]

As far as personal experience in an abusive relationship (he never raised a physical hand), I heard I was stupid enough times that I started to believe that I was, and the other thing for not getting out sooner was that I kept thinking that things would get better! I was a lucky one.

[Annie D Stratton]

I'm sorry you got mixed up in something that damaging. We just naturally want to believe people, and sometimes don't see the pattern until it has come to seem like something real. Some of the Trump folks are caught in the same trap: thinking that things would get better, that he would "grow into it", and becoming so vested that they clung to the repeated assurances. It will be hard for them once the props are gone. I hope we can find ways to welcome them so they can find solid ground again.